...old and worn down.
I'm having a rough time right now.
My husband seems to have lost any inclination he had to act decently to his family. He assumes the worst of the kids and me, he blames things on everyone, and he's generally growly. We never know what will set him off. This weekend it was listening to our daughter try to explain why she was upset with a teacher and became a one-hour walking-on-eggshells experience for us after we watched him yell and our daughter and get right in her face about her tone. Today, he was looking for his military photo album. Yes, the kids were the last ones to have it and look at it. They should have put it back where they'd found it. However, he never had a designated spot for it in the first place, and he's had six months when he could be going through our very messy living room, bedroom, basement, and back porch to simply organize things. Chances are, he would have found it then. Meanwhile, he expects us all to stop what we're doing to meet his needs, and he takes everything as a personal affront intentionally done unto him.
He is constantly cutting me off in the middle of my sentences--even if I am answering one of his questions. So just a few minutes ago, when I was cut off again (literally, after four words) to turn the power off something for him, I sat down and tried to put my thought out of my mind. Then when he finally asked me what I'd been saying and I responded with a quiet "never mind," I got chewed on because he finds it frustrating that I am so easily distracted. I just can't win.
I spend all my time at home trying to keep him calm, keep the kids quiet, and I just can't do it any more. I can't imagine what this is like for him. I sense that if he were to take on any project--whether it be volunteering, cleaning, or exercising--he would be required to accept that he is unemployed. As long as he can think, "I don't want to commit to something new because I might have a job next week," everything can feel okay. Yet he spends all day sitting on the chair in the living room--with the laptop on his lap, food in his mouth, and the tv blasting away and his anxiety.
I know he's not at his best. This has got to be so hard for him. I worry that he has no structure or sense of purpose to his life, but I have so many moments when I simply don't know how to be a good wife for him anymore.
As for me, I'm stressed, too. I am having a difficult time at work--trying to get projects done under pressure and with no support, suffering a 3% paycut resulting from mandated furlough days, watching the people I work with on a daily basis get laid off, and seeing general low morale--not to mention that this is the time of the semester I always start to feel stressed anyway since it's the end of the semester.
It is beyond me how we still have our house, our car, our cable, our electricity. Truly. How is this possible? I'm behind on paying every single account we have. The grace of God has kept us in our home and minimized the sacrifices we've had to make so far. So why can't I feel greater joy?
I'm halfway into my third course of antibiotics trying to kill this stupid sinus infection. I have no energy, I'm sleepy all the time, I can't breathe through my nose, and I simply feel like I'm beaten down. My immune system hasn't completely recovered from my hysterectomy, and I feel like I have nothing left inside me to fight with.
Meanwhile, we have three kids in high school. We can't give them the things or the opportunities we would like to. Even the money for college applications is a challenge. I can't even imagine how it will feel next year to watch our son have to pay for college himself because of our financial troubles.
I just feel that every step I take, I'm facing my own failures--as a wife, as a mother, as a partner, as an employee, as a daughter, as a child of God, as me.
Feeling like the Appalachians does not make me majestic, magnificent, enduring, or beautiful. It just makes me old, worn down, feeling like I've been forgotten.
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