feeling better

Somehow, I'm feeling better than I did the other day.  Maybe I'm just relieved that 2009 is almost over.  And tomorrow, my babies turn 15!

when loved ones have money troubles...

With the economy the way it is, there are a lot of folks struggling with money troubles right now.  Whether it's from unemployment, pay cut, mandatory furlough, or simply the increase price of a gallon of milk, it's hard to be hard up.  And although I am immersed in the life of someone with money trouble, I can also recognize that it's hard to be doing okay yourself while watching someone you care about struggle with money.


So what can you do to provide support?  What should you do?


Here are my recommendations, completely based on my own experience.

1. Withhold judgment.  It's tempting to say to yourself, "I can sympathize with Friend X because he's always lived within his means in the past and this isn't his fault.  I don't feel bad for Friend Z because she's always lived beyond her means.  If she'd saved more/shopped less/invested better, she wouldn't be in this situation now."  Yeah, go ahead, feel how you feel.  But do please try to understand.  Having money trouble is bad no matter how or why it's happening.  If someone is used to smooth financial sailing, this new life may feel like stormy and dangerous waters and navigating this life can be extremely unsettling.  If someone has made poor choices in the past, he or she may be more comfortable with the various feelings and processes involved (which helps right now) but also has to deal with feelings of guilt and failure.  Whether or not someone could have made (or could still make) different lifestyle choices, the stress and worry and very real.
   
2. Provide financial assistance if you are so inclined.  Okay, this may be controversial, and certainly don't provide any financial support that you can't afford or that makes you uncomfortable.  You can read all the articles you want that tell you whether you should or should not help your friends and family with money.  You need to go with your heart and your comfort level.  Some people are not comfortable helping someone out with regular bills, although they will help with one-time or short-term needs.  Some examples of this might include car repairs, professional carpet cleaning before the house goes on the market, a storage unit for extra items if your loved ones need to downsize temporarily, paying the fee for your loved ones to talk with a financial advisor or to help their high school senior apply to college.  When my friend had to take a leave of absence to help her son with some legal and medical problems, her parents stepped in to pay her mortgage for six months.  It was short-term financial support, and it allowed her to do what she needed to for her son without worrying about losing her house over it.
   
3. Consider giving gift cards.  When my husband was laid off for the third time in two years seven months ago, one of the sweetest things done for us was that a group of my co-workers each kicked in about five dollars each to get us a $75 gift card for the grocery store.  I hung on to that card for months, knowing that if things got really bad, we could still feed our kids.  And we used it during a spell when I had an annual dry spell in my own pay schedule.  It was hard to give up that safety net, but as I was using it to get groceries, I felt my friends' love and concern all over again.  Gift cards for essentials can be lifelines, but you can also provide gift cards for inexpensive beauty shops and movie theatres.  It's nice to be able to do some things that feel like pampering when stress levels are skyrocketing.  Even a $5 gift card can provide a gallon of milk and a loaf of bread or enough gas in the tank to get to and from a job interview.
4. Recognize that your loved ones may feel like they're falling apart.  I'm very worried.  I don't know what will happen with the house, the car, credit card debts, and so on.  I don't know how the job market is.  I don't know when my husband will find a job or if it will pay enough for us to feel like life can ever be normal again.  I don't know what we're going to do.  I wake up every day wondering if this will be the day we get a foreclosure notice or a lawsuit or even just a bill I wasn't expecting.  I dread the mail.  I start hyperventilating every time the phone rings.  If I see an unfamiliar car in front of the house, I wonder if it's someone with bad news for us.  I go to bed every night glad to have until the morning to have no phone calls from creditors and relieved that I haven't fallen off the deep end.  Don't get me wrong.  I have joyful moments most days--but there's an undercurrent of stress that never leaves me.  Even for a moment.  Every single day.  So if I seem distracted, depressed, or cynical, please don't tell me to cheer up or pull myself together.  I'm doing what I can, every single day.
   
5. Express your concern--but please don't add your stress to ours.  I know my mother loses sleep worrying about us.  But I already feel bad enough.  I don't need guilt about that on top of everything else.  One of the most difficult days was when I was in the copy room at work one day, trapped in the middle of making a thousand copies that needed to be collated into different folders for a workshop I was running.  One of my co-workers asked me how things were going and if my husband had a job yet.  It was nice of her to say, "I'm so sorry.  I hope something comes along soon."  But then she took half an hour of my life telling me all the things I must be worried about.  Most of them were already on my list, but she ended up adding some things, too.  I'm sure she just didn't know what to say, but STOP!  Take a cue from me.  If I want to talk about it, I will.  But it means more than people know when we can at least have a pretense at normalcy for a short while.  Find someone else to talk to about your own fears and concerns about our finances.  And if we don't give you all the details, don't take it personally.  We may be simply trying to protect you from having even more to worry about.
   
6. Help us remember that life does not stop just because we're having money trouble.  While I'd appreciate not having to hear about your annual trip to Disneyworld or how your new jeans cost only $75, I deeply appreciate it when people still talk to me about normal things--kids, spouses, the weather, the annoying administrator at work, etc.  Don't cut off all communication just because you don't know what to say about our financial situation.  We really need our family and friends right now.  This is really, really hard.  But we still need to maintain relationships and know that we are more than just the relatives or friends with money troubles.  One of the things I appreciate the most is that my sister-in-law kept playing online scrabble with me, just like before my husband lost his job.  It helps me feel a sense of normal in a very healing way.  My sister, who called me every week when I was having medical problems, hasn't called at all since my husband lost his job.
   
7. Spend time with us.  We have good friends who have money.  They have taken us to a couple movies and outdoor festivals, and that has been wonderful.  Even better, though, have been the times they've invited us to their home to play dominos and drink mojitos.  This has been the best support.  When we're with them, we laugh and we step outside our reality for just a few minutes.  That gives us strength to return to our reality and get through another day.
   

Christmas Eve 2009

Here it is Christmas Eve.  I've been feeling so stressed, and I've hardly been able to think about anything holiday-related.

I'm behind on all my grading, for one thing.  I've been behind all semester, and it's piled up and I haven't even been able to bring myself to look at it for days.  Of course, there's a deadline next week and I'll be thinking of all the things I could have done differently to be completely finished by now.  It's all waiting for me, and I do have to get it done.  Yuk.  I hate grading papers and calculating final grades.  Most of the time, anyway.

Then there's the whole money thing.  We have always been bad with our money, but this year it's worse than ever.  That's one of the big downsides of hubster's unemployment.  The other downside is that he's accomplishing nothing around the house.  He cooks, and he occasionally carries laundry for me or loads the dishwasher.  But there's no regular cleaning--of anything--and no project work being tackled.  Ever.  My frustration with him and his lack of job and effort is just getting worse.  It seems like we're bickering all the time, and I'm really not sure what to do to hold things together.  I know it's a phase and that we'll get through it, but I really need our relationship to be strong right now and I don't know what to do.

My health has been sucky all fall.  Sinus infections constantly, some virus and now a cough.  And I forgot to refill my GERD meds and have been feeling reflux-y all week.

I feel worn out and worn down, like I'm on a merry-go-round getting dizzy and needing to throw up.  It's not fun.

But I am also mindful of something else: I have my family, and I mostly have my health.  This year, my son plowed into a utility pole.  He could have died or been seriously injured.  He wasn't.  I am grateful for that every single day.  My husband now has a CPAP machine and I no longer have to lie awake worrying when he stops breathing.  And the past two Christmas Eve's, well, they were rough in a whole other way.  Two years ago, I was waiting on results from a biopsy to determine if I had vaginal cancer.  I didn't, and the dysplasia is gone.  Last year, I was preparing to have a major surgery that I have only recently felt recovered from.

So this year, I try to remember that it's a luxury to be able to worry about money and a husband.  I will be heading to Christmas Eve service in a couple hours, with my husband and children, not facing a major recuperation of any kind.

Blessings on us all.

full of s--t

That would be "snot" that I'm full of.  According to my prescription history on walgreens.com, I've been sick since the beginning of October.

First, I was suffering serial sinus infections.  After three courses of antibiotics, my sinus troubles improved, although they didn't completely go away.  Early this week, I started with a sore throat and then began coughing.

I feel like all I've been doing is dealing with mucous--blowing it out, hacking it up, trying not to swallow it.  No matter how much I do with medications, the neti pot, and drinking the right kinds of fluids, it's just "snot" going away.

I feel pathetic.  Ugh.

I really love the movie "True Lies."