finding purpose

This has been a hard year.  It began with me recovering from a major surgery, one that forced me to think about what it means to be a woman and what my purpose has been.

For months, our finances have spun out of control as my husband has been unemployed.  Some days, it feels like my head is exploding from the phone calls, the mail, the decisions.  I just want to shut down.

Yet, every morning, I wake up and go through another day.  For months, I've been thinking about how so often, it seems that I'm going through the motions of life rather than actually living my life.  It hasn't helped any that I've been experiencing a great deal of stress at work.  I am stepping back from my administrative position and returning to full-time teaching, though, and I have to say that I'm feeling quite relieved and much more centered.

I've been struggling to have a sense of purpose for myself.  With all three kids in high school and headed toward responsible adulthood, I am no longer "Mommy."  I've been struggling to be a good wife during my husband's unemployment,  yet I've been trying to protect myself, too, so I don't disappear.

I've been wondering who I am, why I am here, what I add to the world with my presence.  I have days when it feels like my presence is irrelevant in the world--but then there are moments when I feel like I truly know why I am here on this earth.

I had one of those moments this morning.  I got an email from one of my co-workers asking if she could talk to me this afternoon.  I can't, because I'm home with weird sinus-related symtpoms and a CT scan scheduled for this afternoon.  So I replied with a "What's up?" email.  I then learned that her same-age cousin died overnight and that she just needed a friend to talk to.  I felt so touched that someone thought of me as a source of comfort.

And then I thought about the work I'm doing on HysterSisters, and how although I don't touch everyone, I do touch some.  And I think about what I did with Sidelines, and cub scouts, and brownies.

I've often wondered if something is wrong with me that I can't just pick one thing and have it be my passion in life.  I do something for a while, doing great and then doing okay and then fizzling out.  I'm starting to think that this is okay.  I can give a lot, whether I give in small amounts in many different ways throughout my life or choose to dedicate the span of my life to one thing.  I am a multiplicity, with a multiplicity of purposes, and I think I will try to live purposefully rather than to live to try to find one sense of purpose.