Christmas Eve 2009

Here it is Christmas Eve.  I've been feeling so stressed, and I've hardly been able to think about anything holiday-related.

I'm behind on all my grading, for one thing.  I've been behind all semester, and it's piled up and I haven't even been able to bring myself to look at it for days.  Of course, there's a deadline next week and I'll be thinking of all the things I could have done differently to be completely finished by now.  It's all waiting for me, and I do have to get it done.  Yuk.  I hate grading papers and calculating final grades.  Most of the time, anyway.

Then there's the whole money thing.  We have always been bad with our money, but this year it's worse than ever.  That's one of the big downsides of hubster's unemployment.  The other downside is that he's accomplishing nothing around the house.  He cooks, and he occasionally carries laundry for me or loads the dishwasher.  But there's no regular cleaning--of anything--and no project work being tackled.  Ever.  My frustration with him and his lack of job and effort is just getting worse.  It seems like we're bickering all the time, and I'm really not sure what to do to hold things together.  I know it's a phase and that we'll get through it, but I really need our relationship to be strong right now and I don't know what to do.

My health has been sucky all fall.  Sinus infections constantly, some virus and now a cough.  And I forgot to refill my GERD meds and have been feeling reflux-y all week.

I feel worn out and worn down, like I'm on a merry-go-round getting dizzy and needing to throw up.  It's not fun.

But I am also mindful of something else: I have my family, and I mostly have my health.  This year, my son plowed into a utility pole.  He could have died or been seriously injured.  He wasn't.  I am grateful for that every single day.  My husband now has a CPAP machine and I no longer have to lie awake worrying when he stops breathing.  And the past two Christmas Eve's, well, they were rough in a whole other way.  Two years ago, I was waiting on results from a biopsy to determine if I had vaginal cancer.  I didn't, and the dysplasia is gone.  Last year, I was preparing to have a major surgery that I have only recently felt recovered from.

So this year, I try to remember that it's a luxury to be able to worry about money and a husband.  I will be heading to Christmas Eve service in a couple hours, with my husband and children, not facing a major recuperation of any kind.

Blessings on us all.