where have all my marbles gone?

This year is the Year of Getting My Shit Together, or, the Year of Finding My Lost Marbles.

I remember one time when the kids were little, and I made one of my regular pilgrimages to the grocery store.  One of the bags had developed a rip when I put it in the trunk of the car.  When I got home, I was trying to carry in all of the bags at once.  (Yes, Mom, you're right.  Sometimes it IS best to take two or three trips.)  As I walked into the house, the bag spilled little jars of expensive baby food.  In my panic about the loss of the food and money and time it would take to replace them, I lost my grip on another bag and ended up with a big pile of flour in the driveway, mixed in with the baby food.  And by the time I finally got to the door, I was so upset that I dropped the bags and dented every can I had bought.  I sat down right in the middle of the living room and bawled for a while.

I've been thinking about that day a lot this past year.  It seems that we've had a series of unfortunate events, with each one overlapping on or two others.  I will still be recuperating from dealing with one issue when another one jumps in full-force, only to be followed by another.  Boom boom boom.  No time for breathing.  This is the case in every area of my life.  It's particularly upsetting with the professional aspect of my life, as that has always been my safe haven for when things are rough in my personal life.  It has been my stability, my place where I feel accomplished and in control.  Lately, not so much.

I've decided to do what I did with my groceries.  First, try not to get as much stuff in the first place.  Instead of buying expensive glass jars of baby food, I began making my own baby food.  It actually was easier, and I felt better about myself for doing the healthier thing for my babies.  Second, I determined that if it would take me a bit longer to accomplish a task (as in, take two or three trips), I should.  Seriously--how much time did I really think I was saving?  It was maybe one or two minutes.  Third, accept the fact that sometimes life just bites and you have to do the best you can.  Finally, if you get to the end of a rough patch and need to cry, that's okay--as long as when you're done you carry on.

1. Have less stuff to deal with.  I'm returning to teaching--no more administrative work for me.  As much as I loved pieces of it, I did not do well with juggling two totally different sets of rhythms.  I never had down time.  During the times I had always refreshed myself from the semester's work, I would have an increase of administrative work to do.  I had non-stop work, and no time to prepare for or recover from the busy times.  Although my return to teaching will have some financial implications for my family, I feel so much at peace about it.  I find that I am getting excited about teaching writing again, and I'm already regaining my focus.  I'm a teacher again, with no split professional identity.  The energy for that is slowly starting to recharge.
2. Take the time to do the job right.  I am learning to discipline myself to sit in front of the pile of papers or the computer when necessary, even when I don't feel like it.  I constantly remind myself that it's always the first couple of papers that take the longest, as I get into the swing of the assignment.  I told my students I would have feedback on drafts posted today, and while I had wanted to have it done earlier today, I am plugging away, making a genuine effort.  In fact, writing this blog entry was one of my rewards for getting through a certain number of drafts.  Putting the time in will pay off.
3. Suck it up, buttercup.  Okay, I admit that teaching in the summer would not be my preference.  If it weren't for the fact that we so desperately needed the money, I would be lounging around in the pool or napping right now.  But this is what it is, and I'll be okay.  I'm remembering to be grateful that I am able to have some income during the summer at all.  And I'm also very grateful that teaching one course in the summer will allow me to practice doing a better job now, so I'm prepared for it in the fall.
4. If I need to cry, I will do so.  It also means that if I need support, I will ask for it.  In fact, in anticipation of this, I have already requested regular meetings with a couple of my colleagues to help me develop a different sense of accountability and on-going professional development/re-energization.

So here I am, halfway through an electronic pile of drafts to read, actually making some progress.