I've continued to learn a lot about chronic stress and some of the symptoms I've been experiencing. Yesterday, I realized that one thing that's different about me now (as opposed to, say, two years ago), is my startle reflex. yes, the same startle reflex that babies get that we laughed at in our children. (Oops, does that make us bad parents?)
I've startled easily for years, but my family has pointed out recently that I'm much more sensitive than I used to be. When I hear the phone ring, my heart starts to beat fast and I feel panicky. If something unexpected happens, I feel anxious, like something bad is about to happen. I'm still looking for the right doctor to help me through all this, but my friend who was diagnosed with PTSD after a difficult medical diagnosis and surgery has pointed out that I have many of the symptoms of people with PTSD.
Here's what I'm finding really interesting, though, in all my reading about chronic stress and PTSD: the lists of thinks to do to help coping.
Here's a list I found at http://www.helpmewithanxiety.com/.
Practicing some form of progressive muscle relaxation (PMR) on a daily basis
Aerobic exercise for 20-30 minutes daily
Learning how to budget time and plan ahead
Cut down on caffeine intake (preferably altogether)
Talking with someone – anyone- on a regular basis about one’s worries and concerns.
Meditation/Yoga
Listening to calming music
Directly addressing the thoughts ‘cognitions’ that are driving your anxiety engine
Directly confronting the behaviors one wants to avoid
Practicing and mastering how to respond to feared situations
This list amazes me. Most of these items (yes, even the one about exercise-blech) are things I've yearned for during the past year. I've had some innate sense that I need to cut back on caffeine, that I missed the progressive relaxation exercises I learned in my college Neuromuscular Relaxation class years ago. I have missed music for years.
Even the last three items, which the website indicates should be done in conjunction with a psychiatrist, are things I've become more conscious of. In my mind, I've begun rehearsing how I could handle various scenarios that pop into my mind. I've thought a great deal about the behaviors I want to avoid, and I've made myself actually do some of the ones that have caused me trouble in the past.
Although my mind is struggling mightily right now, my body has seemed to just know the right things to do. Or maybe it's my subconscious. I realize, as I look at this list, that I have already started to do some of these things, without actively knowing that I needed to.
Still, yesterday was a difficult day. I taught four classes--two of them longer classes that were meeting for the first time, both meeting in the afternoon (not my good time of day). In between my morning classes and those two classes, I spent three hours working on Fall Fest on campus. By the time I got home, I felt completely drained. I had no energy, and I was back to being very emotionally fragile. I cried easily, I wrapped myself up in a blanket and lay on the couch, and finding the energy to even brush my teeth at bedtime was a chore. (In fact, I really wanted to go to bed at 5:30.)
At the same time, though, there was a healing element to yesterday. I was able to recognize that I was exhausted and that the exhaustion I was experiencing was temporary. I was able to say, "I've had a long day, and now I'm tired. My body just needs to replenish its stores. Don't expect too much of yourself. You're going to continue to have a few challenging days, even as you generally tend to feel better."
My awareness that this was a symptom of chronic stress did make it a bit easier for me to cope with it all. Even a month ago, the same experience would have had me in tears, for several hours, wondering what was wrong with me and whether I would ever be okay.
Today I didn't have class until 1. I woke up (too early, but that's a story for another time), and I was able to relax with the computer for a bit and then remembered to take lots of deep breaths. By the time I got home, I was still tired, but I had the mental energy to focus on some things I'd been neglecting for a while, and I realized I was feeling a bit more like "me" today.
It's hard to give myself permission to feel bad and to know that I have a long way to go before I feel healed again. We had too many things hit us at once a year and a half ago, and each of those things created long-lasting repercussions that are still difficult to live with. I shouldn't be surprised that my body has reacted to the mental stress of trying to be positive, hold a family together, keep my job, deal with hormonal changes, and worry about every phone call and every piece of mail, wondering what new crisis we will have to deal with.
This is what my life is right now. The trick is to remember to breathe and hope that one day, one night, I can dream again.
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