day 519, here we go again...

Sigh.  I was feeling so good and hopeful for almost a week.  I'm grateful that I had that, because I had been worrying that I no longer remembered how to experience joy.

For two months, my husband has been working for a security company.  Early last week, he made a mistake.  The security camera that was on him provided evidence of the mistake.  He was suspended, and yesterday we found out that he'd lost his job.  This time it wasn't the economy; it was poor judgment.

So here we go again, another job loss, another round of unemployment.  At Christmas time.  During my end-of-semester stress.  I feel weary, and I feel numb.  I'm surprised that I'm not feeling angry, because I worry that it means I've lost hope.

It would be different if there were any way we could make it on my salary.  If we could cover house payment and basic bills and groceries, it would be okay.  But we can't, so it isn't.  We haven't even bought a single Christmas gift.

So I have to figure out how to handle it this time around.  He has only about a month of unemployment benefits, so I think he will be job searching a bit differently than last time around.  Oddly enough, although the new location he was about to be promoted to would pay a bit more than unemployment, his actual job didn't--so once unemployment benefits start to kick in (3 whole weeks--grr), we won't be any worse off than we are right this moment.

During the past two months, I've had a chance to reflect on my own experiences throughout the unemployment jungle.  I've realized that I've started to become a bitter woman.  When I watch TV or listen to colleagues talk about all the Christmas shopping they're doing, I find myself thinking things like "stop bragging," "you have no idea what it's like out here so stop talking about the economy wearing your designer clothes," or "you have no right to complain about your husband who won't wash dishes but provides for your family financially."  Every time, I catch myself and try to regain perspective.  I told my mom yesterday that my biggest fear is that I will change irreversibly and that I'll become someone I don't want to be.

And what do I need?  I have no idea.  Right now, I need to get through grading.  I need for my husband to stop thinking he needs to be strong for me and be strong for himself.  He's so worried about me sliding into a depression, and he doesn't realize that the thing that keeps me afloat is feeling understood and shared.  I can't have him trying to put on a brave front, and I need to be able to express my fears and concerns without thinking he has to fix everything.

It's interesting.  I do generally feel okay, even while I feel worn down.  Naturally I'm worried about him finding another job before unemployment runs out, but financially, we won't be any worse off than we have been for a while.  And my sweet, sweet son who started a new job last week came home from hanging out with his friends and said, "If you need anything, I'll help out."  We've raised a good young man.

I'm on the verge of tears, not because I'm afraid as much as that I'm just feeling worn out and tired of dealing with this stuff.

So here we go again.....