Prayers of My Soul

I can feel the embrace of friends so often these days.

Hubster is still out of work.  Furthermore, there are no more unemployment benefits.  It's been almost two years.  I just can't do this anymore.  We were barely making it on my salary plus his, or on my salary plus unemployment, and we are drowning right now.  Stress has been our nearly constant companion for almost two years.  I've discovered that I have nothing left.  I'm at the end of my rope.  I have my full-time job, plus a part-time consultant-type job that roughly equates to five hours a week.  Now I'm even looking at taking a third job in an attempt to keep our heads above water.  And it still won't be quite enough.

The thought of doing that exhausts me.  As it is, I feel like I don't have enough time for my own internal healing of the past couple years.  My soul feels like it's sinking into a morass of bills and clutter and teenagers and trying to figure out what it means to be a supportive wife right now.

And we were all so sick last week with the flu.  It completely knocked me on my butt.  My body's immune system has no resources left to fight anything, and my heart feels the same way.

There are moments when my soul feels like it's about to shatter.

I will curl up on my bed, crying all over my pillow--and then I will suddenly feel a renewal come out of the blue.  I will suddenly have the strength to stand up, wash my face, take care of some laundry, do some schoolwork, sit with my family, and try to maintain a sense of normal family life.  I know that I don't have it in me to do that--so I know that I am being prayed for.  I can feel the protection against the darker feelings of failure and despair, and I am able to experience just enough joy and contentment each day that I somehow keep going.

So many friends are praying for my family right now.  This morning, a friend stopped by my office to ask if there was anything she could do.  Although I wanted to say, "Could you please pay my power bill?" I asked her to pray--for a job for the hubster, for wisdom and courage as we make decisions large and small, for peace, for joy, for hope, for healing hearts.  I pray for understanding of how I can grow from this and how I can keep from becoming a bitter and angry woman.

Keep the prayers coming, friends.  There may be a time for everything, but I'm hoping this season of life passes quickly.