My Post-Grading Life

I was a college writing instructor from 1988 to 2011--23 years of planning, reading, responding, grading, and engaging with student texts and minds. I always loved my job as a whole, but I never, ever liked grading.

Over the years, I developed various tricks to help keep me motivated and get me through a set of papers. In fact, at one point I wrote a list called something like "How to Grade Papers at Home" that included a full page of procrastination strategies (including writing a list of procrastination strategies). It included things like

• counting how many papers I had left to grade and then counting again every few papers to help me feel more accomplished.
• watching a Tom Cruise movie (this was back before his anti-post-partum depression rants) in case I ever wanted to use them in class.
• crafting wonderful paper assignments for future semesters ("after all, if I don't capture my ideas now, they'll disappear altogether").

Back when I still smoked, I would reward myself with a cigarette for every five papers graded. Eventually I began to use M&M's as a reward.

I didn't mind reading student writing; in fact, I loved reading and getting to know my students. I just hated having to judge a paper and then spend time writing a justification of the grade. I felt like every end comment became a written argument designed to prevent questions. Even when I used portfolio evaluation, I felt the same way.

So I find myself very puzzled by the fact that I am still struggling to adjust to life without grading. I am now a full-time administrator. I have extracted myself from the world and rhythms of the classroom to inhabit a life that includes long days with regular hours and never carrying more than a purse and a lunch bag home with me. Yet I still see so much through the lenses of one who grades.

Today I found myself thinking I could head to the library and sit in front of the big windows where I could see the beautiful fall day while grading. When I realized that I had no grading, I felt sad. My friends and former colleagues have started a Facebook page called The Giant Stack of Grading. I am reminded of the sense of community that develops among those who share the burden of grading and need to vent with each other about it. Although I understand that life, I no longer live it--and I feel left out that I no longer have that in common with friends who are still living the professional life I lived for so long.

This is a struggle I did not anticipate. I miss being part of the work of teaching, even though this piece is work I never enjoyed. I miss the luxury of time. This is ironic because I never felt I had enough time, simply because it was unscheduled and I had things to do. I miss being finished with my scheduled responsibilities by noon and having the option of hunkering down in the library or a coffee shop. I could interrupt what I was doing to engage in conversation, to daydream, to plan my next day of class and shape the majority of my day. It was lovely. Other than the grading

Now my professional days are very different. I love what I am doing, every single day--even though this is not a path I ever imagined I would want. My days off are literally that--days off, with no grading hovering in front of me throughout the weekend.

Today, after I got over my momentary sadness at not having grading to do, I decided to take a nap. When I woke up, I did not have any panic or guilt at thinking about how I should've gotten papers graded so I wouldn't have them waiting for me tomorrow. I love my Sundays, which are about my family and feeling refreshed. I go to work Monday mornings, looking forward to the week ahead.

I'm just going through some growing pains.