so how are you doing?

Every year, the end of August is filled with the joy of greeting friends and colleagues I haven't seen since May. This year, I'm finding a little less joy in the reunion. At the end of April, we had our nightmare of car crash/no insurance/job loss. After several months, people who genuinely care about me naturally want to know how things are going. So they ask. And it's horrible.

I got a message from a friend asking me why I was so aloof with her at a meeting yesterday. And here's why.

I'm so sorry, everyone. I'm anti-social because it's just too hard to be something else. You want to know how I am? Really?

I have a hard time answering the question, "How are things going?" because they're not going well. We still have only one vehicle (one that squishes my family uncomfortably), my husband doesn't have a job yet, and our finances suck. I get no paycheck in September, so they're about to suck even more. When you are nice and ask if I'd like to have lunch, the answer is that I'd love to--but unless you offer to pay, it isn't going to happen. Going out to lunch is, well, not in the wallet. And my husband is having a hard time, too, and is sitting around on his butt all day. He applies for jobs online (there's really not much out there) and he makes some phone calls, but he isn't doing any projects around the house and I'm still doing the laundry, loading the dishwasher, etc. When I'm at home, I'm trying to be supportive of him. This is really, really hard when I'm terrified. And I hate being home because when we're behind on bills, we get phone calls that I simply cannot bring myself to answer. The house is a mess, because when I'm at home I can barely drag myself off the couch to function. It's that hard.

My babies are growing up so fast and I feel like my life as a mom is passing me by. My oldest child will be a high school senior, and his younger brother and sister will be freshmen. I don't know where the time has gone, and now it feels like there's so little time left. Is there anything I've done right as a mom? Do I have enough time yet to still make a difference?

And when I seem to brush you off when you ask me how I am, it's because I don't want to burst into tears. It isn't just you. I blew off a good friend's party last week because I couldn't bear the looks of pity from people who care about me or the "and what does your husband do?" questions from people who don't know what's going on. I got trapped in the copy room last week while I was making handouts for a workshop. A well-meaning colleague gave me a half-hour of "I'm so sorry for you" and "Let me know what I can do." What can you do? You can treat me like I'm still me and not like a broke and broken person who has made stupid decisions and is afraid she won't ever get her life back.

So generally, things are not so great, but I've mostly been coping fairly well and am usually able to be positive.You are so sweet, and I know you care, and I just have had to stay superficial with a lot of people because it's the only way I can cope sometimes and because I don't have the words for my frustrations. And see, even writing this has me on the verge of tears that will pour down my face. I hate to cry because each time, I worry that I won't ever stop.

So, that's how I'm doing.