who do I know?

How is it that we can connect so deeply with the people we know only online? And what does it mean to know someone, anyway?

Last week, I talked with someone I hadn't seen in several months. Her daughter has a serious drug addiction that has led to legal problems, a pregnancy, and a probable stay in prison. I asked her what kind of support she is getting, and she went on to tell me about the online support group she'd found for parents of addicts.

In a family that feels dysfunctional in comparison to her friends, neighbors, and colleagues, with her online group, she feels understood in a way that doesn't happen in her daily life. Her friends know she's stressed and worried--but the other parents of addicts really "get" her. They provide an understanding mirror, to help her see the positive coping strategies she's developed and a way of seeing how functional she is in such a difficult situation.

I talked with her about the hysterectomy support website I'm part of and how normalizing it can be to simply have an understanding "me, too" in response to a question or concern.

It really struck me how much I have valued the understanding I get from the people I don't know, but who know me so well.

It hit me again tonight. I was chatting with someone I met through the hysterectomy support site. She recently lost her father, which made her grieve not only that loss but the loss of her mother many years ago. We were in an online chat that lasted two hours. I don't know if I would recognize her if I bumped into her at the mall, but for those two hours, online, I knew her very well. Although her loss isn't all we talked about, it was there, and I gave her virtual (((hugs))) and validated her feelings as best as I could. I think it helped a little.

In this online world, I don't have words for some of my best friends, the ones I know online. When my son had his accident and I posted about it on Facebook, many of the people who immediately responded were people I don't know face-to-face--but they care about me very much.

My mom sees that I currently have 186 Facebook friends. "How many of them do you really know?" she asks. "All of them," I say, "even the ones I've never met."