I've been having a rough time. For the past ten years.
As I've been thinking about stress, depression, finances, faith, family dynamics, marriage, etc., etc., etc., I can't help but try to understand when problems started to happen and why some things got to where they did.
The fact that I'm finally trying to understand all this is a sign that I am genuinely doing better than I was, but it's hard. What keeps coming into my mind, though, is a whole conglomeration of stuff from the year we moved here. Yes, that was 2001. Yes, it was practically a decade ago. My husband wants to know why I can't let that stuff go. Well, no, he doesn't want to know why. He just wants me to do it. He thinks I'm broken (I am, just a bit), and he thinks that once I get fixed, everything in our lives will be better.
That is so simplistic. First, emotional brokenness is not something that can just go get fixed. Even depression that can be addressed medically leaves tracks in its wake. Everything exists within a context and is connected to many other things in my life and, therefore, in our lives. The process of "fixing" is one that will take time, understanding, and work. I will need support. That doesn't just mean applauding me when I accomplish something; it also means engaging in difficult conversations when needed and being quiet at other times--and accepting that sometimes the best thing to do is simply to ask what I need.
Second, The brokenness didn't happen overnight, and it didn't happen in isolation. It is the result of time after time of situations that didn't meet my needs. Patterns were laid down that have to be understood and acknowledged. Only then can the patterns be unwoven and rebuilt into better, healthier patterns. Furthermore, he has had his own difficult experiences, with a series of job losses and then an extended time of unemployment. I can hardly be the only one broken here, and it is unfair to put it all on me.
Third, and this is the part that I really struggle with with him, he is part of how this all built to where it is. I struggled greatly when we moved here, for various reasons, and he was not able to be there for me emotionally. Even then, I could understand why (mostly due to the demands of the job we moved here for him to do). Nonetheless, I was so vulnerable at that time, with absolutely no friends in my life other than him, that understanding his situation didn't erase the emotional needs I had and what I needed from him. Since then, we have developed the pattern where when I state something I need or ask a question, he perceives it as a challenge, a disrespect, or a blame on him. It doesn't mean anything is his fault. But how can I talk with him about anything relating to family life if he gets angry and thinks I'm accusing him of something every time I try to say how I feel? If I can't say it to the person who is supposed to be my best friend, then who do I have? And how am I supposed to respond when he tells me I'm the reason for the kids being x, y, or z?
How do we get out of this cycle? I am coming to realize that until recently, I have not grown emotionally since we moved here. I am stunted, still waiting now for what I needed then. And the longer I've gone without it, the more bitter and resentful I've become. My heart still hurts from that time. Nothing is going to make it magically unhurt. I wish it were as simple as letting it go. I sense I am approaching a point when I can let go of the things that happened (and didn't' happen) when we moved here. But that in itself won't undo a decade of patterns that grew out of those experiences.
I am working on acting in the way that I used to, in the way that the person I want to be would act. Sort of an "act like it's okay to make it start to feel okay" approach. To a certain extent, I think that is helpful already. I feel a lightening of the spirit in small ways. But it doesn't change the underlying feelings, and I still feel like I'm working on all this alone.
All of these patterns have damaged our marriage, our family, our children. I have to figure out how to live with the knowledge that I have not been the wife and mother that I should have been and that I yearned to be. Now, my kids are practically grown and I don't know if I can rebuild anything for them. These wonderful, beautiful souls have grown up as survivors in a broken family, with a broken mother, and nothing I can ever do will make up for that. I feel like I have ruined everything for these beautiful people.
Hmm. This is a depressing post. Not sure what's up with me today, although I think some of it is that I'm starting to be able to see some things more clearly and facing them is part of the work I have to do. How sucky for me.
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1 comment:
Hi (((Chris)))
I wanted to share a hug for you and add that I think your processing of all this is so good and wise of you to take the steps you need to come to peace with the past and find a safe road into the future.
I think as women we have all had seasons of life that have left us somewhat 'broken' or at least feeling battered by hurts that were never made right. We naturally form habit patterns, especially in our marriages. We start relating in certian ways and it takes work to undo and redo the way we talk and react to each other.
I know my dh and I have had to do this. We went to a counselor a couple of years back who told us that many couples who have been married a long time will finally come to a place where they have to stop and reevaluate their marriages. Sadly many will end after decades of life shared because one or the other or both are just fed up with the way life is ending up.
I applaud you for your courage to look at those things that have hurt you and are still hurting. I have been doing quite a bit of that myself. My dh was upset at first, even admitting he thought he had "lost control" of me. :-) Which indeed he had. I had to learn to speak up. I had lost myself in the process of raising our family and I needed to know who I was. I also have needed to know that he respected me and loved me even if I was honest about what I wanted or didn't want instead of just going along with everything.
One last thing, I hope you will let yourself off the hook with your kids. There are no perfect parents. We all love and nurture to the best of our abilities, but our children learn from our mistakes too, especially if we will be honest and open with them and share what we learn as we look back and see our imperfections. I'm sure your children see how much you love them and how much you wish life could be perfect for them. I know I have thought this, but part of growing up is learning that your parents don't have all the answers, and even though they made mistakes they did their best. As my children have turned into adults we talk more and more about life and how we have viewed it, why we made different choices for ourselves and them and we often have to admit that if we had seen the bigger picture back then we might have done it differently. They have never once thrown that back at us, but thanked us for sharing and helping them not to make those same mistakes now that they are beginning to parent themselves.
The things that are most important have a way of coming back up and you will be given chances to address them, qualify your choices and give added input. All is not lost.
Please take heart as you evaluate the past and look to the future. I think you're on the right track. I hope your dh will soon begin to listen more intently and work to understand your heart as well as your words. It took mine some time, but he's getting better at it all the time and past hurts that I needed to have healed are fading and finding new perspective.
Bless you as you continue this journey. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with the rest of us women.
Love, Rita
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