the kindness of friends

During my hysterectomy experience, I was very grateful for the kindness of my friends. I had people who patiently listened to my tales of aches and pains. They carried things for me, they brought food for my family, they sent me flowers, and they showed me that they cared. Although it wasn't completely easy to accept their gifts, I knew that I could accept them because I didn't actually need them.

At times in my life, I have also been the recipient of the kindness of strangers. One time that particularly stands out was when I was pregnant with my twins and had to spend 3 1/2 months on bedrest. As the primary breadwinner and carrier of our health insurance, we faced a loss of income (I didn't have enough leave accumulated) and an increase in insurance premiums. The nurses at the hsopital adopted our family for Christmas, bringing us boxes of food, toys, and baby items. I was so grateful to those donors, most of them anonymous.

To truly be in need is uncomfortable. With need can come many other feelings--powerlessness, fear, shame, loss of dignity, worthlessness. To truly need is to be vulnerable and naked. To say "I need" is to say "I am scared. I no longer recognize my own life." When that need is met by strangers, we can be comforted by the cloak of anonymity. I can go about my life with an external sense of pride and dignity, even though it may not be what I feel inside.

It is harder for me to accept the kindness of friends when that kindness meets a real need. That cloak of anonymity is not possible, so there is a greater feeling of nakedness.

My friend from work came by tonight with a card from her whole department--and a $75 gift card for the grocery store. I am both humbled and honored. It is hard to think about walking into their office again, knowing that they all know about my difficulties, knowing that at some point, even buying food will be a challenge. At the same time, I feel so loved and cared for.

Perhaps this is a matter of giving up control, of acknowledging that life is bigger than what one person or one family can control. And this is one of the many ways God answers prayers. Our needs are provided for, with a lesson in humility included. It is a hard lesson to learn, but I am grateful to have the choice to learn it.